In the wake of what will always be remembered — for at least another week, anyway — as the Beetlejuice Incident, it’s tempting to say that vape-happy Lauren Boebert has finally, once and for all, been smoked out.
But come on. It didn’t take the latest in a long line of very public embarrassments for Boebert to reveal her true self.
We knew. Everyone knew. It’s as obvious as every pathetically transparent look-at-me, look-at-me-right-now move she makes. It’s as obvious as the one-finger salute the congresswoman so classily offered up to the cameras on her way out of the Buell Theatre.
Just ask Joe Biden, whom she infamously heckled at the State of the Union as he talked about American servicemen dying. Rep. Jason Crow called that incident an example of Boebert’s “depravity.”
Depravity might be a little strong for the Beetlejuice Incident. But according to new security video shown by TMZ, there was pretty clear evidence of what some would call public indecency — including Boebert and her date doing some very public canoodling and more during an otherwise PG musical. You could see from the video kids sitting in the row behind Boebert.
The New York Times called it “touching and carrying on.” The New York Daily News called it “groping.” I wonder how the drag queens she likes to demonize would describe it. You think they might call it “grooming”?
For our purposes, we can just call her night at the theater a series of crimes against ordinary human behavior.
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Or, as I like to think of it, a preview of ready-made 2024 anti-Boebert campaign videos, created in one quite large smoke-filled room. I’m sure there are a bunch of Hollywood-strike-sidelined film editors who could use the work. The hardest part would be in trying to keep an ad to a TV-friendly 30-second spot.
I just hope Adam Frisch, who lost to Boebert by 546 votes last year, and all the others — Democrats and Republicans alike — eager to run against Boebert for her 3rd Congressional District seat, have sent the theater’s security people a thank-you note. Hey, we should all send them a note.
Let’s face it, if someone had asked you which Colorado politician had been kicked out of a touring Broadway musical in Denver for vaping, talking, singing, fondling, recording the show on her not-so-smartphone, taking selfies with a flash, flipping off a theater employee, insulting a theater patron and then lying about the extent of her obnoxious conduct, would you need more than one guess?
Of course not. This is so Boebert that it’s, well, Boebertian. As I was headed to a show the other night, I told my companion we wanted to be sure not to be Boeberted. A dictionary entry surely awaits — as does, almost certainly, more rounds of, uh, qualifying behavior.
As you might have noticed, the online jokes — not all of them tasteful or, for that matter, funny — are everywhere. There are even more serious comments, at least one of which suggests Boebert’s in-theater behavior reflects a general decline in societal norms. I’m more inclined to see it as a general decline in MAGA-aligned congresspeople norms.
But we could look at the bright side. After all, Boebert was taking a break from her day job at which she is generally seen doing the work of shutting down the government or impeaching Biden for crimes not yet discovered or defending the January 6 insurrectionists or spreading wide an unending stream of misinformation. One observer called Boebert the ChatGPT of harmful ignorance, which may be an insult to artificial intelligence.
Look, maybe we might have understood if Boebert had been kicked out for singing along during the famous Beetlejuice Banana Song scene — I mean, who could resist? — but you must have seen at least one of several security-camera videos by now.
She was singing and waving her arms when no one else in the theater seemed to be singing or waving because, well, because.
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What do you think she was smoking?
Boebert’s campaign manager has conceded that she had been singing too loudly and breaking house rules by taking photos of a live performance, but had nothing to say about accusations of her rudeness and denied outright that she had been vaping, saying that complaining patrons must have been confused by a fog machine used in the play.
The thing about lying is that it’s recommended never to do so — unless you’re, say, Donald Trump — when there’s a chance of incriminating video. Not to mention witnesses.
As it turns out, there was so much incriminating video and there were so many witnesses that Boebert felt the need to actually apologize for her behavior that night, saying in a statement five days later that she was truly sorry that she “fell short of her values,” which you’d think would be a pretty low bar.
As for her lies about vaping in an indoor venue, Boebert insisted she “genuinely did not recall” doing so. I guess. I mean, I genuinely no longer recall that time I was smoking with six stoners in a very tall tree just a very short jump from my college dorm window. It could happen.
But the damning evidence was soon everywhere. The Denver Post’s Megan Schrader heard from the woman who was apparently seated behind Boebert. She even sent a copy of her tickets as proof. The woman, who is pregnant, told Schrader she asked Boebert to stop the vaping and other “outrageous” behavior. The woman said Boebert ignored her pleas and later called her a “sad and miserable person.”
At intermission, Boebert’s companion reportedly offered to buy the woman and her husband cocktails as, presumably, an apology for the behavior and, I guess, the smoking. But, thinking about it, maybe alcohol isn’t so good for someone who’s pregnant, either.
Soon afterwards, following a warning from the ushers and several more complaints from patrons, Boebert was tossed, but not before — this is a baseball reference — kicking metaphorical dirt all over the ushers.
According to the theater’s incident report, Boebert at first refused to leave when asked by ushers, who then told her they would need to call the police. Boebert apparently said to go ahead. Of course, Boebert is well schooled in embarrassing run-ins involving the authorities.
In the end, the cops were called, although they turned out not to be needed. That was one drama that Boebert skipped. But as she left, she apparently asked the ushers if they knew just who she was, by which she presumably meant that they should have understood she was a person of some standing.
Do we know who you are, Rep. Boebert?
Why, yes. Yes, we do.
But if there’s any justice — and I know that’s still up for debate — Colorado’s gun-totin’ congresswoman will soon enough have to change the question to this: Do you know who I was?
One more thing … If you haven’t heard, our first annual SunFest is coming to the Auraria campus Friday, Sept. 29. I don’t think there’s been anything quite like it in Denver before. Come for breakfast and lunch and to chow down all day on as much Colorado policy and politics as you can stand. And that’s just the beginning. There will be a wide array of topics featuring the people who make things happen in our state and city. Hick will be there. Polis and Bennet. Panel after panel. I’ll be there. Hope to see you, too. Get tickets here.
Mike Littwin has been a columnist for too many years to count. He has covered Dr. J, four presidential inaugurations, six national conventions and countless brain-numbing speeches in the New Hampshire and Iowa snow. Sign up for Mike’s newsletter.
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