Rather than further resist, let’s all hail America First! As we sing our pre-game national anthems, let’s respect President Trump’s authority.
Giant American merchant Walmart supplied “evidence” that our 2025 Thanksgiving dinner cost less than it did under President Biden. While we had to purchase Walmart’s brands and eat considerably less, that’s good for our waistlines and great for Colorado.
Walmart’s vast profits allow it to influence politicians, acquire sizable sports-complex neighborhoods and sign athletes for Colorado pro sports teams. The Walton Family Nuggets, Avalanche and Broncos are all legitimate title contenders.
Let’s use this moment to “amend” our state’s sports history. For decades, progressive sportswriters like Mike Littwin, Rick Reilly and Woody Paige have glorified foreigners over actual Americans.
John Elway and Peyton Manning can remain our heroes. So can Dan Issel, Todd Helton and American Avalanche John‑Michael Liles. If Liles is too obscure, we can still idolize Peter Forsberg. He’s from Sweden, an approved white country.
Last Tuesday, our Dear Leader announced, “(O)ur country was going to hell. And we had a meeting. And I say: ‘Why is it we only take people from shithole countries, right? Why can’t we have some people from Norway, Sweden — just a few — let us have a few. From Denmark, do you mind sending us a few people? Send us some nice people, do you mind?’ But we always take people from Somalia. Places that are a disaster, right? Filthy, dirty, disgusting, ridden with crime.”
Rejoice. Peter the Great remains an Avalanche legend. We simply must adjust memories of other Avs. Once misperceived for its politeness, Canada is an awful place until it becomes America’s 51st state.
No country that champions climate action, public health, gun control and multiculturalism can be trusted. Canadian athletes must be re‑evaluated until they learn to love the Trump royal family, fossil fuels, automatic weapons, private insurers, border walls and owning the libs.
Let’s begin our justified purge with Patrick Roy, the overrated, ultra-temperamental goalie who rode Forsberg’s coattails. Righteous Russians Alexei Gusarov and Valeri Kamensky were also Forsberg’s allies.
As for modern MVP Nathan MacKinnon and his Canadian comrades, let’s pray for their conversion to Americanism, as JD Vance prays for Usha’s conversion to Catholicism.
Coloradans admired Hall of Famer Larry Walker for his beautiful swing, reminiscent of Ted Williams. MAGA reinspection reveals Walker as a Canadian socialist moocher who padded his stats at Coors Field. Ted Williams’ memory must also be downgraded because the Splendid Splinter was part Mexican.
Before departing Canada, let’s confront the Nuggets’ foreign menace. Jamal Murray is a gunner who can shoot from anywhere, but he probably won’t even defend American gun rights.
After Murray dropped 50 points in a must-win playoff game, he cried about racism while wearing photos of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor on his shoes. The Canadian snowflake even complained about racist brutality to the failing New York Times! Why hasn’t Murray obtained U.S. citizenship? Let’s cheer instead for Christian Braun.
Thank goodness rock‑ribbed Republicans also own the Rockies. Donald Trump is a baseball savant, remarkable given his solitary base hit as a military school senior. In 2025, Trump removed military praise for Second Lieutenant Jackie Robinson, a Black man who apparently did more harm than good.
President Trump demands a reevaluation of the Rockies’ past. Colorado fans once celebrated the Venezuela‑to‑Rockies connection. Now, we understand that Andrés Galarraga, beloved as the Big Cat, was clearly the tip of a vicious Venezuelan spear. Galarraga “infected” the Rockies with socialism, oversmiling and Spanish phrases (“El Gato Grande”) we must now forget.
Other Venezuelan invaders include Carlos González, Germán Márquez, Antonio Senzatela and current shortstop Ezequiel Tovar. That’s a caravan. But fear not, fellow patriots: new ICE partnerships featuring random in-game apprehensions of Coors Field staff, fans and players could add suspense and drama throughout the 2026 season.
Anybody speaking Spanish is suspect. The same goes for other foreign languages and accents (except for Shohei Ohtani and Nikola Jokić, who may be deities). America’s official language is English.
As for accents, must we keep pretending Vinny Castilla wasn’t dangerously Mexican? Sure, the guy could hit a baseball to Pueblo. Still, he never ditched that rolling “R”. Neither did Mexicans Jorge De La Rosa and Armando Reynoso, who neither assimilated nor sought American citizenship.
Castilla became a naturalized American citizen, but Trump claims he can revoke that and also eliminate dual citizenship. Trump announced in 2015 that Mexicans entering America “are bringing drugs, they are bringing crime and they’re rapists.”
Finally, the late Nuggets’ center Dikembe Mutombo’s halo must go. Alleged multilingual humanitarian Mutombo could not be wise or decent because he was from the Congo, which Trump identifies explicitly as sending awful humans to America.
Mutombo’s famous “not in my house!” finger-wagging is retrospectively disrespectful of Trump, who consistently commands Congolese and other non-white African immigrants to stay out of our home country.
Come on, Colorado sports fans. Root, root, root for America First! And if we lose, let’s blame it on non-white immigrants, Antifa and election fraud. That’s the new MAGA-American way.
Craig Silverman is a former Denver chief deputy DA. Craig is columnist at large for The Colorado Sun and an active Colorado trial lawyer with Craig Silverman Law, LLC.
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