Surprisingly, the funniest moment of the opening GOP debate in the 4th Congressional District race came not when Lauren Boebert, R-Allied Van Lines, was asked if she knew the definition of “carpetbagger.”
I’m going to assume she may have known, even if she didn’t exactly answer the question. Still, she clearly understood that it somehow referred to the fact that she had abandoned the race in the 3rd CD, where Boebert used to live, to run in the safely Republican 4th CD because, well, it looked like she was going to lose in her home district.
And so, in response to fellow candidate Mike Lynch — who was until recently the state House minority leader, but had to resign his leadership role because he apparently was late to learn the meaning of both “drunk driving” and “full disclosure” — Boebert had a comeback prepared:
“The crops may be different in Colorado’s 4th District, but the values are not.”
Which leads us to a different, perhaps more complex question. Does Boebert know what the word “values” means?
Let’s give Boebert some credit. She may be a carpetbagger, but she has at least moved from her 3rd CD home in Silt to a 4th CD home in Windsor, even though — and this is where it gets complicated — she still represents those who live in the 3rd CD, where she no longer resides.
And, after all, she does know the definition of a number of words. Like vaping and groping and canoodling and flipping the bird. She definitely knows the word impeachment, although she doesn’t seem to understand the concept of high crimes and misdemeanors necessary for impeachment.
She does know about small-sized misdemeanors, though, having been arrested for a few of them. Her ex-husband, of course, has been arrested for many crimes, including violent ones, the latest of which Boebert cites as a reason for moving her family from the 3rd CD. As if to demonstrate values, the 37-year-old Boebert had her grandson on her hip — where he has been seen regularly since the Beetlejuice incident — as she entered the debate site.
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Which leads us to the funniest moment of the night, that coming when the nine candidates on the debate stage — there was one no-show among the 10 Republicans running for the open seat to be vacated by the retiring Ken Buck — were asked if they’d ever been arrested.
Six raised their hands.
Boebert, of course. Lynch, of course. State Sen. Jerry Sonnenberg. Former state Sen. Ted Harvey. State Rep. Richard Holtorf. Trent Leisy, who is, uh, I don’t know who he is.
They raised their hands to laughter from the audience, just as you’d expect. I laughed, too. It was at least a respite from having to listen to those candidates who think they’re running for the title of most audacious election denier. There’s some tough competition for that title, but I’m sticking with Boebert, who said during the debate that Donald Trump would be elected for the, uh, third time.
It was all so, well, Trumpian. I mean, in light of the 91 felony counts facing Trump, is it now necessary to have an arrest or two on your resume to be a bonafide GOP candidate? As we know, on the same day as the debate, Trump briefly testified in a case to determine the financial penalty he must pay for having sexually abused and defamed writer E. Jean Carroll. The jury came back Friday with a whopping $83.3 million . That’s a lot of defaming, and all of it sickeningly malicious.
You don’t need to be a political pundit to see that Trump’s standing in the presidential primary has only grown with each indictment or to notice that Trump is using his many court appearances as an essential part of his campaign.
It must be working since Republicans are on their way to nominating Trump for a third time despite the cold, hard fact that he could well be a convicted felon by the time he would be allowed back in the Oval Office.
The Colorado GOP Six, though, are basically small timers in the crime business. Beyond Lynch, I don’t even know if there are any convictions on record. In any case, it’s not like anyone in the group led a coup, although Holtorf, as a member of the state House, did join many House colleagues in 2022 in a vote to commend Rep. Ron Hanks for having attended the January 6 rally. (Hanks didn’t enter the U.S. Capitol on January 6. And to his credit, Lynch, as a House member, voted against the bizarre resolution, which also commended Tina Peters and questioned the 2020 election.)
As Sun reporter Jesse Paul pointed out to me, Harvey was arrested as a teen by an MP for running — jay-running, I guess — across a wet road. Holtorf, the anti-abortion candidate who is now having to explain whether or not he once paid for a girlfriend’s abortion, was arrested twice long ago for being in bar fights — which should surprise no one who has seen him on the House floor. Sonnenberg was arrested for speeding. You don’t usually end up in jail for speeding, but Sonnenberg, who was probably the most normal candidate on the stage, said it was years ago and had something to do with bail.
Maybe Sonnenberg wound up in jail because of an outstanding speeding ticket. In full disclosure, I was once arrested — I was 21 — for missing a court date for speeding. I was on the road and missed court by a day. I didn’t even know enough to try to postpone the case. When I turned myself in, I was told I couldn’t just pay the ticket a day late, but would have to be arrested. It was set up that cops would come to my apartment at around 9 p.m., at which time I would pay my bail.
But when someone knocked on my door at 7, I shouted, doing my best James Cagney impression, “You’ll have to come and get me, you dirty coppers.”
Sadly, though, the dirty coppers, who, it turned out, didn’t think I was all that funny, were two hours early.
Still, no cuffs. No jail time. No conviction for missing court. The judge, when I did show up on time for my trial, said I simply had to pay the speeding ticket and promise to never waste the court’s time again.
I thanked the judge. And even though I didn’t once blame the liberal media for blowing the event all out of proportion, I wonder if that would be enough to get me on some future GOP debate stage.
Mike Littwin has been a columnist for too many years to count. He has covered Dr. J, four presidential inaugurations, six national conventions and countless brain-numbing speeches in the New Hampshire and Iowa snow. Sign up for Mike’s newsletter.
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