Ninety million people will travel to Colorado this year. And sometimes it feels as if each of them are close relatives of mine. I love ‘em all. Still, living in this state is like winning Powerball: Suddenly your name is everybody’s “must-hit-up” list, even if you last saw them at a bar mitzvah during the Obama administration.
The key is to welcome your guests in a way that doesn’t make them feel too welcome. That’s why I’ve adopted Blucifer as my Martha Stewart. As a host, he projects equal parts menace and hazard, which is just the way I want it.
Welcome to Colorado, and I’ll stare at you with my glowing red eyes until you leave!
Here are proven pestguest-management tips that will likely reduce future visits.
Tip No. 1
Set limits. It’s all about the fine print.
Tip No. 2
Give ’em the tourism bait-and-switch. Your guests didn’t think they’d actually get to do this stuff, did they?
Tip No. 3
Send them into the Rocky Mountain high-traffic zone. “Fourteeners” refers to the 14,000-foot elevation of our showiest mountains. Also the average number of daily hikers on each of them.
Tip No. 4
Propose a roadtrip inspired by the Buell Theater’s most distracted patron. Rep. Boebert (R, 3rd. Wait, 4th?) gets around.
Tip No. 5
There are terrible things about Colorado, too, you know. Last call at Coors Field is in the eighth inning. So when the Rockies’ bullpen stirs, make it a double. Our pitchers often do, usually with men on base.
Tip No. 6
Send guests on a wild Google-maps chase. Your home is your castle. Fortunately, Colorado has a castle to spare, and it’s far, far away from almost everywhere.
