Dear Citizens of Denmark,
We know that you are petitioning your government to buy California. We have read the statement that says Denmark needs, “More sunshine, palm trees and roller skates,” and we know that hundreds of thousands of Danes have cheekily signed the document.
We know that you are shopping for a state that shares your values and respects your culture, which is increasingly hard to find in the United States.
We know that this is considered subtle Danish humor, but we’re hoping against hope that you might consider our offer seriously.
Because, boy, oh, boy, do we have a deal for you.
Colorado is just the state for bargain-conscious Danes looking for a wise investment.
For starters, Colorado, with an average of 300 days of sunshine per year, has more sunny days than California’s measly 265. For a country that’s in the dark 17 hours a day in December, this is significant.
We can’t compete in terms of palm trees, which aren’t even native to California, and we contend are ridiculously pretentious, but we outpace the Golden State dramatically in quaking aspens, bristlecone pines and Columbine flowers.
And never mind roller skates, when it comes to adrenaline junkies moving at high speeds with little or no apparent interest in stopping before they run into people, Colorado has the undisputed corner on it with its high population of snowboarders and idiots who ride their scooters illegally on sidewalks.
But wait, there’s more.
Colorado has a handful of billionaires, Phil Anschutz the richest among them with an estimated net worth at $15.4 billion. Given the tax policies in the country, it’s a burden we all have to bear.
But California is in a league all its own. It’s the birthplace of the modern broligarchy, where Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, made his billions, along with Mark Zuckerberg ($249.9 billion), Larry Ellison ($214.6 billion), Larry Page ($152.1 billion), Sergei Brin (145.3 billion) and on and on.
Forbes reports that the top 1% of earners in Denmark account for about 10% of the income in the country. In California, they control more than 30% of the state’s income.
For the proudly egalitarian Danes, this influx of strutting fat-cats with weird personalities and the unapologetic ambition to rule the world just might be a deal-breaker.
OK, but California has even more disturbing characteristics.
Like earthquakes.
The USGS says the state experiences an average of 10,000 a year compared to around 250 in Colorado.
And hate groups.
California is home to 103 white supremacist, anti-LGBTQ and other hate groups, according to Statista, and experienced more than 2,100 hate crimes in 2023. Colorado, unfortunately, has 13 hate groups and had 287 hate crimes in 2023. It’s not great, but way better than the West Coast alternative.
Colorado also has better skiing, better melons, better peaches, better beer and better trout fishing. It has green chile, lots of electric vehicles, a lower obesity rate and a whole lot more dark places to star-gaze on a warm summer night.
Certainly not everything is perfect here, though.
We’re mortified to admit that we’ve re-elected Lauren Boebert to Congress twice. And despite that we have among the highest average salaries in the country, we still can’t figure out how to raise enough money to pay teachers a living wage.
Further, we realize that gender equality is of great importance to Danes, and Colorado is decades behind in this regard. It’s to our overwhelming embarrassment that we must admit to never having elected a woman as governor, U.S. senator or even mayor of our largest city.
We implore you to forgive us for our transgressions and hope that joining Denmark might provide the kind of positive influence we desperately need to move us into this century.
A lot of Coloradans surely would be willing to contribute to the crowdfunding goal of raising $1 trillion for Denmark to buy our little slice of paradise. We’d be delighted to be renamed New Denmark and we’re sure we can get used to eating herring for breakfast.
Hygge is already a big deal here, generally experienced around a campfire with burned marshmallows and recycled Patagonia fleece. And we’re sure we can get used to mid-century modern furniture to replace our BarcaLoungers and antler light fixtures.
The Danish values articulated in the petition, including the rule of law, universal health care and fact-based politics would be an enormous challenge after the last three weeks in the U.S., but we’re certain Coloradans can adapt. Some of us even remember when convicted felons couldn’t get elected to the highest office in the land. There’s still hope for us here.
So, please consider our offer.
Don’t Californicate Denmark. Denmarkate Colorado.
Diane Carman is a Denver communications consultant.
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